Week of: 4/13-19

"O! thou great thunder-darter of Olympus; forget that thou art Jove the king of gods, and, Mercury, lose all the serpentine craft of thy caduceus, if ye take not that little, little, less than little wit from
them that they have."

-- Thersites in Shakespeare's "Troilus and Cressida" [II.iii.6-10]

Aries
Monday is not an evil day, not by definition, but Monday begins with a nasty Saturn/Sun duet. Reminds me of that Lyle Lovett song about his doomed relationship with whatshername. Anyway you slice this week up, it's a long road to Ensenada. Speaking of South of the Border, did I ever tell you about the great place to eat in Ensenada? Dreaming about fresh seafood might be the only recourse for a week that starts with an ill-fated Saturn song and dance.

Taurus
Last week was "Show Tunes for $100." This week? "New Cars for $100." Considering the price of new cars, perhaps a pre-owned vehicle is more suitable. One problem with this class of automotive transportation is the classic archetype from the collective unconscious' underbelly: the used car salesman. Poor fellows have a terrible stigma. Now they're your stigma. Imagine a guy in polyester plaid sportcoat trying to arrange low monthly payments for you at this very moment. Remember, the little planet has not fallen out of its bad week either, so maybe this isn't a good time to listen to a salesman.

Gemini
A Gemini mind is a fascinating thing; so many pathways and little quirks to the routing of mental messages. Watching a Gemini mind is like driving by Six Flags using binoculars. But you must be careful this week because your mind has turned into a bad neighborhood after dark. It's a place you don't belong. After dark, alone, it feels like they (no antecedent to the pronoun) are out to get you. You need internal contemplative time, but not alone. Or after dark. If you do venture in there, at least go armed.

Cancer
By now, you should be counting down to a serious dose of relief. Like a good plate of BBQ (with potato salad and two slices of white bread), you will find relief in food. In the meantime, do lunch often. At FGS World HQ, the lunch counter is in Round Rock, and information about hot new baits is important. You can pick up tidbits of information like that if you're willing to listen.

Leo
Some very interesting planets are doing very interesting things. This makes your life very interesting. Love or money. Pick one. I can't see you handling both this week, but it's not from trying. There's only so much time in a day, and that doesn't seem to fit your schedule. Personally, I'd go for the money because love will always find you. You are, after all, a Leo. Everybody loves you. You may not feel it this week, but it's true.

Virgo
Virgos can be such handsome creatures. But when the planets fall into certain disarray, your face gets a pinched look that says, "the plumbing is backing up." Or worse: "Bubba's been eating at Taco Bell again." Well, Burrito Breath, that's your week. More bad news: The love planet of Venus is opposing you. You're not a happy customer this week. Doesn't make you any less good-looking, though. So? So don't take matters quite so serious this week. Remember, plumbing is expensive to fix but you can also put a rotating fan in the window for fresh air. Or try a home-cooked meal.

Libra
Charles Dickens wrote, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, yadda yadda yadda." Maybe you think it's the worst of times with a lot of yadda yadda yadda thrown in. Rather than prescribe over-the-counter pharmaceuticals, I suggest work. A foul word, work. It's seldom used here at FGS headquarters. Regrettably for Libra this week, the "W" word comes into focus, thanks to that pile-up of planets in the opposite sign.

Scorpio
Despite what other world-class astrologers say, I will beg to differ and tell you how good this week will be. The deal is this: the Sun hits Saturn, Mercury is retrograde, and Mars moves into opposition of you. Sound bad? Being a good Scorpio, you can put out that Saturn/Sun fire. Mercury is too small to bother with, and Mars will only strengthen your will. You've got the power this week; tread lightly on the rest of us poor signs so we don't get hurt. You'll win, but you knew that.

Sagittarius
Ever study the science of rocks and stuff? Geologic time. Takes about a jillion years for a rock to become worn smooth by water and air. You're in Sagittarius time, where mountains are moved with the click of a mouse. The rest of the world seems to move in geologic time. You may be tempted to speed up the process, and you know what? That means frustration. Big time. No matter what you do to get everyone running on Sagittarius time, you meet obstacles. You're the hot, flowing lava, and the other signs are extruded igneous rocks. Don't burn anyone with your touch this week.

Capricorn
You face obstacles. But let me say delicately that this is a good thing.No bland, New Age aphorisms here. You won't hear me say, "Obstacles are nothing more than brilliantly disguised opportunities." I say, "You're a Capricorn. If you ain't got to work for it, you ain't happy." Victories won too easily are soon forgotten, and this will be a week that you won't forget anytime soon, no matter what.

Aquarius
While everyone else is freaking out, relax and pretend their frantic behavior is amusing. I'll assume that you're getting worried, but we'll keep that our secret. This week meanders like an idyllic stream, coursing its way through the Texas Hill Country. Get ready for a sudden downpour; thr little stream that is your life will swell up and overflow its banks. Wear your life preserver at all times, even in the tub.

Pisces
It was just about a year ago when Karma, Fate or the Wheel of Fortune dealt you a seriously good hand. Being Pisces, you didn't take advantage of this. Now you've got a chance to play this one out. While everyone struggles with minor planets and minor problems, you should bluff, cajole, grin, leer and prepare to claim the winning pot. It could happen. It could be a scratch-off lottery ticket, or it could be flipping a real estate deal. You heard it here first.