"I wonder that thou, being, as thou sayest thou art, born under
Saturn, goest about to apply a moral medicine to a mortifying mischief."
-- Don John in Shakespeare's "Much Ado About Nothing" [I.iii.7-8]

Aries
A slow, inexorable march of time seems to work on you like a mysterious
fishing hook. You bait the hook, toss your line out, and then that dang
ol' fish steals the bait. You reel your line back in, empty. Every time.
Whatever. I suggest that you think smaller and more like that little
larcenous critter. Use a smaller hook. Fish smarter, not harder.

Taurus
Everyone is having a tough time the way it looks to you. When you
compare your insides to their outsides, things, metaphorically, look
pretty good. Of course, comparisons to other peoples' plights isn't
always the best way to determine what's happening. Weather forecasters
know this all too well. You feel like you are all dressed up but nowhere
to go. That's more real than anything. Start looking for fun this
weekend. Preferably in the sunshine.

Gemini
Once upon a time, I had a very special Gemini flame in Texas. A Gemini
gem. She's gone now, having decided to join the rodeo circuit, but I
think about her from time to time. Chances are, she's thinking about me
this week. A lot. It's something all Geminis are doing this week,
drifting back in their minds and thinking about old relationships, old
flames, and what might have been (but ain't anymore). Rather than wax
despondent, Gemini, try taking action. Get out of the house. Look for
adventure. It will find you if you're ready. While you're at it, you
might pick up the phone.

Cancer
Occasionally, there are days and weeks in the life of the Crab when
nothing goes your way. It looks like this is one of those weeks. I can
make one simple recommendation: escape. You need to be near the water
this week, to absorb the calming influence of the waves gently lapping
at the shore, the boat gently rocking on the surface, the rosy glow of
the sunset. In short, a vacation. See what you can do about it. Walk
into that travel agent's office and sigh wearily, "Bubba sent me..."

Leo
Stop howling for a minute and we'll get something done. Yes, you're
facing some frustrating problems. Since I work like an astrological
tech-support line, it's time to do something about this, right? So, fax
me with your complaints at (512)445-2850 but remember: As a medium, fax
paper disintegrates quickly. Like that fax paper, your problems will
fall apart quickly.

Virgo
Good news, bad news this week. The good news: You will be uplifted soon.
The bad news: It comes in the form of Mars being opposite you. As Mars
moves into mysterious Pisces, you're accelerated to a speed close to
that of sound. Close, but not quite, so don't worry about sonic booms.
Too bad because with Mars doing this number, some of us will wish we
could outrun your mouth. Be careful you don't engage the mouth before
your brain is in gear.

Libra
A lingering feeling of affection is floating through your quadrant of
the sky. An event left over from the past, like a leftover pizza, needs
attention. With proper handling and a minute in the microwave, old pizza
can look good. The same is true for this other event. A few minutes'
attention to seemingly minor details will make everything alright. And
that lingering feeling of affection? It's time to reach out and grab
someone's butt. In a nice way, mind you.

Scorpio
Look on the bright side: It will be over soon. Just when you think that
this is the week which will never, ever end, suddenly the weekend will
be here and you can sleep. A lot. Rest up; you'll need it. As the old
saying goes, "You're not out of the woods yet." As my addendum to that
saying goes, you're almost there. As long as we're using cliches to
describe this week, let's talk about the proverbial light at the end of
the tunnel. No, it's not an oncoming train. Check to make sure it's not
a car.

Sagittarius
Things on Planet Sagittarius have been so good for so long that that I
really hate to warn you about what's approaching. A volcanologist knows
to look for small fissures growing in the rocks as the portent to a
giant volcano spewing hot, burning, molten lava. This week, it looks
like a thin vent of steam, just the barest of cracks in the bedrock of
your life, shows up. Best be careful because this vent will crack open
into a giant and raging torrent of hot
material. Look on the bright side as you always do: This is going to
build a new mountain.

Capricorn
While world peace and harmony are lovely ideals on a global scale, they
don't fit into the agenda of the military-industrial complex, which
really runs the world (besides Bill Gates). While I don't necessarily
condone acts of defiance or rebel behavior of any sort -- not like I
used to -- it's a good week to take one last stab at a windmill. Maybe
Cervantes and Don Quixote were right. Maybe some mercurial and quixotic
actions at a local level is the right idea. Perhaps it's a good week to
make a statement through action or civil disobedience. This could also
be a passing moment, too, and next week, you'll feel differently.

Aquarius
Welcome to the Age of Aquarius. Ever since the 1960s, every astrologer
has bounced along and hummed that tune. I think the Age of Aquarius is
every year at this time. Mars is moving into your House of Making Money
and with this, you get an added boost. That's good news, I hope. So get
out and do your best. The time is right for a business decision that
will net you a tidy profit in the coming months.

Pisces
Activity is featured as a prominent motivator. To exacerbate this, Mars
is joining you in your sun sign. Mr. Mars has good and bad sides. Watch
the driving. Your ability to steer a boat and navigate rough seas is
suspect. Think Joseph Hazelwood. Actually, it's not your own personal
navigation skills, it's everyone else. Think Joseph Hazelwood. So watch
out for the other guy.