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Fishing Guide to the Stars
by Kramer Wetzel
(c) 2003, 2004 by Kramer Wetzel for astrofish.net
For the Week of: 8/19-25/2004

You can safely buy your living room furniture if the home security people have yet to do your house. That is because the arrangements have got nothing to do with the furniture or the carpet. Therefore fell free to buy your living room furniture whenever you feel like it. You can pick any style, centered around the fire place, or the windows etc.

"'Tis needful that the most immodest word be looked upon and learned."
Shakespeare's Henry IV, Part II [IV.iv.70]

Make sure and check the travel schedule for upcoming shows. In case you haven't noticed, the Mercury index is going a little wild. No doubt the alignment of planets, Mars moving forward in Virgo, passing a point where Mercury is moving backwards, opposite from Uranus, in Pisces, moving backwards. Uranus is in apparent retrograde motion, not Pisces. Although, I'm wondering about some Pisces friends.

Leo: I've been doing a variation of these horoscopes for over a decade. I started out by myself, wound up working with a whole office full of editors, copy editors, producers, proofreaders and their ilk, plus the boys in the backroom, making the web services available, then I trimmed it all down. Got back to the roots. Just me. Granted a few more typographical mistakes sneak through, but then, there's no one to blame but myself. Sure as can be, no matter how carefully the material gets proofed, though, one or two little mistakes will creep through. So, right on deadline, there's a hasty game of digging out the text file, and correcting that one mistake, and uploading the file. Again.

When Mercury comes backsliding into your sign, Leo, the best of the Fixed Fire Signs, that means you're going to scramble, minutes before deadline, to make one more correction. Then, after you've done that, you're going to make one more correction. Again. I'm reasonably sure that gremlins of one fashion or another sneak in and rearrange a few words, just to make life interesting. Last week, I corrected a total of 8 [ate] mistakes, which meant, I went through the whole looming deadline process a total of eight times. Frustrating? Sure. Amusing? Not really. Deal with it? Did that, got it done. Nothing can be done other than to promise your self to use more care next time. It's that last minute scramble. You're going to feel it as deadlines approach.

Virgo: In my delivery, like, when I'm standing -- or sitting there -- in front of you, and we're discussing matters about your Virgo chart, I have nice way to phrase this. I say, "Yee-haw." It's not an energetic verbal delivery, a bit laconic, intended to be sardonic, and maybe a little ironic in the finest sense of that word. It's not like, "Hey bubba, watch me do this! Yee-Haw!!!" It's a rather sublime verbal version.

While the phrase itself would suggest energetic exuberance, the delivery belies the intent of the message. So it's supposed to be good, but you're just having a tough time getting too excited about anything. Mr. Mars is good to you, but Mr. Mercury is making it so no one seems to understand. You're excited! You're Wonderful! You're Virgo! No one gets it. After running into a few us, with our own Mercury-backed problems, you're less than thrilled. It's okay, as I understand. When you're face-to-face with one more Mercury/Mars problem, when some idiot in front of you in traffic pulls another stupid stunt, try my expression. Correct delivery is important, but you get the idea. You'll feel a little better. No need to let little things ruin your own enthusiasm.

Libra: I had a little problem. With the bank. With the business account. Now, I put off dealing with this problem until Mercury was in retrograde, in Virgo, of all confounded places. Money matters bother me. Like, there's never enough money. Or that some folks get really tight-fisted when it comes to paying the guy who doles out astrological interpretations. Not much of a big deal, really. I'm used to it. So I saddled up to the phone's headset, settled in with a fresh cup of coffee, number two for the morning, and proceeded to work my way through three different "toll-free customer service numbers," a half dozen live operators, and wound my along the electric avenues to get to the root of the problem.

I'm not talking about a lot of cash here, it was a mere $5. Five bucks. That was it. Not a huge sum. Now, after approximately 45 minutes of "enter your account number now" and "last four digits of your tax ID number," then machines referring me to other machines, I finally got to a live person. 45 minutes. Most people would be upset, or, at the very least, they would've slammed the phone down in disgust with the automated world. Not me. Persevere, Libra! Mercury is backwards facing, Mr. Mars is floating along in your solar 12th House.

When I got to the -- I think -- living person, I was jovial, concerned for that operator's personal well-being, and interested in an easy solution to the five dollar problem. I got it. Took "7 to 10 business days," but there was a solution. The world is better place and we can all live happily ever after. Of course, that was almost an hour to solve to a $5 problem. That's the way it goes when Mercury is backwards. Tact, diplomacy, concern for others? Much easier way. Plus patience. Tons of patience.

Scorpio: Letting go of certain habits is a very difficult task. I was just ambling out for an afternoon, had to go meet a client and have some coffee. Late, vegan-style lunch, too. "No animals, animal by-products or Scorpios were harmed in the making of this meal." Anyway, as I headed towards the door, I started to count all the electrical devices that buzzed, chirped, whined, and vibrated, I came up with four or five, and that was just in my pockets. That's way too many devices to be carrying around for an afternoon, but I needed the phone, and since that one spot doesn't always have cell service, I needed my pager, and the PDA, and the camera, just in case, and the pocket astrologer thing for doing any other charts that might be required.

Way too many toys. Far too much crap to be toting around for an afternoon. This is not traveling light. But old ways die hard, and each device was necessary at one time or another. The aggregate collection of "cool toys" was weighing me down. Time to shed some of that. Phone? Nope, have to stay in touch. Beeper? Nope, might get a message. PDA? Nope, had to remember the time and place. Pocket Astrologer? Nope, might need a second or third chart. I'm just glad I got rid of the second phone. After a thorough assessment, I decided that each item was, indeed, an important tool. But I did have a couple of miles to think about that. Consider some of the items you want to shed. Like me, I didn't actually leave anything behind, but at least I got us thinking about it. Maybe next time? Dump the phone? Pager? Whatever electronic leash?

Sagittarius: "I always feel better after consulting with you, Kramer," one of my regular clients was telling me. That's nice, I'm thinking, and sure, it sounds like I'm indulging in a little bit of self-promotion, but there's more to this one tale. After helping other folks feel good about whatever it is that's going on their own charts, for a day or two, after going that extra mile to make other people feel loved, cared for, and otherwise comfortable with uncomfortable events, like Mercury and Mars, Mercury being backwards and Mars being Virgo, our little Sagittarius selves could use some comfort, as well.

I wanted some kind of comfort for me. Sagittarius, we deserve some kind of shoulder to lean on. Maybe not a shoulder to lean on, but I wanted something like a gravy boat full of cream gravy to pour across the chicken-fried version of life. Best cream gravy--in the world? Probably came from that one girl I'm no longer seeing. She did it best. Cheap sausage was the base for it. Biscuit, hot out of the oven. Oh great, now I'm hungry. Plus, I could use a little comfort. We all could.

There is no rest for us wicked Sagittarius types, though, and there's no cream gravy to ladle onto our lives, such as they are. Next best solution is to figure out a good source of secondary gravy since I'm no longer seeing that one girl. Couple of local establishments come to mind. So, if you can't find something to cover up the fried Sagittarius life, maybe a secondary source that's "almost as good" will work. I know a truck stop that does a pretty fair job....

Capricorn: I wrestled with appropriate words for your week, and I kept coming up blank. Shut down the computer, took a little walk, look at life from a different perspective. I spent a good two hours on the hike and bike trail, meandering, wandering, and thinking about Capricorn, just about the whole time. Saw a couple of common egrets. Beautiful slender, tall white fisher bird. Saw the great blue heron, stalking something the shoals. Turtles by the hundreds, mostly red-ear fellers. The August grasses are bit parched these days, so there's more brown and less green.

But how does that tie into the Capricorn scope? It doesn't. I was just trying to tickle the astrological muse by changing my location. Didn't work. I stopped off to get a little lunch, "beef tips in gravy" (Carne Guisada), a traditional repast. Mexican soaps were on the TV at that one place, as in Soap Operas in Spanish. All right, the deal, is what I did to "seek inspiration"? None of that is really out of the ordinary for me, not for a hot summer's afternoon.

What I needed, what you could really use, is something that is out of the ordinary. I'm not sure where you'll find that, either. There's some comfort that I derive from wandering around on parched trails at the water's edge. But that's also where I've lived for so long that it isn't new. Change is good. Different perspective is good. Repeating steps that you've--I've--been through before doesn't yield anything new. Just do something different to change the Capricorn perspective.

Aquarius: One of my good Aquarius buddies called up, "Hey, what's happening? What's going on? We should like, do lunch or dinner or something pretty soon, dude." Right, "dude." I'm much too old to be referred to as "dude." Unless, of course, one would care to address me as "The Dude," but I think some movie script already stole that appellation. We exchanged pleasantries for a few minutes, compared notes, and discovered that I have a relatively open schedule whereas my buddy? He was booked up solid. Had 43 different things going on. Why he called? I'm not sure. He might have been shopping for a little free astrological advice, but I'm not sure.

He was working his way through a few relationship issues, and some folks seem to think I know a thing or two about that. Other folks don't think I know anything about relationship issues. Me? I'm a single guy. Saves on wear and tear plus I'm not sure anyone would really want to put up with my strange ways. Cigars for breakfast, a cranky old cat as a housemate (trailer mate--whatever), and so on.

Something's rattling the Aquarius personalities, though, and there's not a lot that can be done. Being single is an advantage because then I don't have to worry about what the significant other cares about. I don't mind exchanging pleasantries with my very pleasant Aquarius friends, but I know that ya'll are just much busier than I am. Plus, there's a little relationship deal going on, and that's adding pressure to your Aquarius lifestyle. What to do? Call your astrologer fishing buddy? My schedule was open, but yours looks a little full these days.

Pisces: I just don't ever envision any of my Pisces clientele as irritable. Just not an image that I see in my mind's eye. I don't think about a sweet Pisces as a pissed off person. Just doesn't happen. There's a Pisces who lives near me, across the sparse expanse of rudimentary black top, and she was knocking on my door at 2 AM. "What in the name of 'all-that-is-holy' is going on?" The banging on the trailer's door scared the bejeebers out of the cat, who promptly scurried under the couch. Where I was reclining, reading some trashy novel. There I was, a body at rest, and this angry Pisces shows up at my front door.

I'm sure you're very familiar with the sentiments, if not the exact details. The summer night was warmish, but I'd turned off the AC. Windows were open, gentle zephyrs stirred in the late evening's air, and all of sudden, there's Ms. Irritable Pisces, asking, demanding, that I fix the planets. Right now. Gentle Pisces Reader, I would do something if I could. I can't. It's not up to me. All I can suggest is that Mercury is backwards, usual disclaimers apply to that guy, that Mars is frying through Virgo, opposite you, and that Mr. Mars hooks up with--or against--Mr. Uranus. And all of that spells out irritation. My Pisces friends don't bother me, but if you scare the cat again, we're going to have trouble. Watch out how--and to whom--you direct this week's, ahem, energy.

Aries: I owed an Aries friend a favor. I was going to pick her up a T-shirt, one of the ubiquitous "Keep Austin Weird" shirts as gift. I wandered into the store, selected a shirt, and handed over the shirt and my credit card. Just because Mercury was retrograde at the time doesn't mean I can't buy some "software" like a T-shirt, right? Wrong. Nice try -- didn't work. The clerk swiped the card through the machine. "Oops, 'declined.' Try again?" I fished out another credit card, and that one came back as "declined," too. I fished out some precious cash and paid for my purchase.

Upset that the credit card didn't go through? Whatever for? Not my fault. In an earlier iteration of my life, I'd have gotten very upset with the stupid machine, the stupid credit card company, and the way nothing worked right; however, that's wasted energy. I'm not saying that you'll have credit card transaction declined, but you're liable to have something similar occur. You see some object, maybe a T-shirt, and you think, "Cool. Perfect gift." Then the little pieces of plastic don't work. As I later determined, it was, indeed, the merchant's machine that was faulty. I did pay that one bill on time.

Taurus: Sometimes, I know right where I'm going. Got a favorite spot on a favorite lake, and when we hit the water, first thing on a summer Saturday morning, we make right for that spot. Ever so briefly, it feels like we know just exactly what we're doing -- no questions. The problem being, once the sun comes up, where to go to next? It's like being stuck between "here" and "there," and not knowing where "there" is. When I was looking at the Taurus chart -- your astrology chart -- for the next couple of days, that's what I was thinking about.

Being stuck between here and there, and just not knowing what direction is best. You start out with purpose and direction, but then it's a matter of figuring out just what the next step is. Or, in the case of that fishing trip, where the next spot on the lake is going to be. Here's my suggestion: wait. Take it easy. Don't get in an all-fired up hurry to go rushing off to another place just for the sake of moving. Sometimes, if you're just a tad more patient, the place where you're supposed to be becomes much more clear. Or, like that one spot on the lake, just sitting in the boat right there, no need to move.

Gemini: There's a state highway that cuts down from Amarillo toward Wichita Falls and then down towards Ft. Worth and Dallas. It's just a state road, but it's used, almost to the extent of commuting along that highway, as it's the easiest way to get out of Texas from some locations. I'm pretty sure we were in Wilbarger County, at least, that was the last "Now Entering" sign I'd recalled seeing. Grazing animals are normal, like cows and deer. Goats, too, not uncommon. However, right there, munching on some grass along the fence-line, next to the highway, there was a herd of camels. There are legends, in portions of Texas, about camels that live wild and free, critters that escaped from turn-of-the-century military encampments.

I've always figured that these are our Texas equivalent of "urban myths," too, just another rumor to be written off as idle words. However, this is the second or third time in Texas that I've encountered a ranch with camel as grazing stock. What do state highways, urban myths and odd livestock have to do with your Gemini chart? Weird stuff. You're riding along one day and notice something that is clearly out of the ordinary. Don't get all upset, just act cool, nonchalant, and normal. "Wow. Camels, I though we had to be a little further west for that." Mercury will land something in your lap; how you deal with it is what's important.

Cancer: I watched as a friend worked on a big corporate project. The first 90% of the task was easy, deadlines were met, deals were dealt, problems were beaten into submission and resolved. It all went nice and smooth, just like it was supposed to go. Just like the plan. Even the minor interruptions were dealt with in a timely fashion. In fact, the project got closer to being more than 90% done when there was a small snag. One little piece of legislation, an obscure law, possibly dating back to a Spanish Land Grant, brought the whole process to a complete stop.

"90% of a job takes 90% of the time, and the remaining 10% of the job takes the other 90% of the time." Sound familiar? Sound like a problem you're more than acquainted with these days? Personally, I like to blame the planets, but it's not really the fault of the planets, no, the real culprits are ourselves. That last 10% of the task is going to take as long, if not longer, than the first 90%. Just when you thought work on this one project, this one goal, just when you figured you were about wrap it all up, there's this one little snag. Like something dating back to a Spanish Land Grant, or some arcane twist of the law. Or just a one more correction.