4.11.2002

Fishing Guide to the Stars
by Kramer Wetzel
For the Week of 4/11-17/2002
"The Strawberry grows underneath the nettle."
in Shakespeare's Henry V [I.i.60]

The big question is when to file the tax return. April 15th (never too soon) and according to some astrological lore, the best time is between noon and 3:00 PM (Central Time), to insure that Los Federales don't take too close a look at your return. And the stuff the strawberries grow out of? You should see some of the employees' tax returns around this office.

Aries: There's actually a little degree of clarity that comes with this week. A momentary chance to slow down, a brief respite from this hauntingly familiar pace you've been keeping as of late. I like to think of this as a little "breathing room." Folks not from around here don't seem to understand the concept. Being born and raised in Texas means my idea of personal space is rather large. We like to be able to stretch our legs, maybe windmill our arms around a little when we chatter, and as such, a giving us fair amount of breathing room is a good idea, just so you don't get hit with our arms as we flail about. Likewise, the planets are giving Aries a little bit of Texas-sized breathing room right now. What you do with your own wide open spaces is up to you, but I'd suggest you stretch yourself out a little -- this is much needed time to rest up just a bit.

Taurus: One of the many desks -- not computer desktop -- that I own is built out of this huge slab of Arkansas Walnut. The desk is built like a drafting table so junk can't collect on its surface. Papers, pencils, computer cables, all of that just slides right off. It's a "self-cleaning" desktop, so to speak. Every once in a while, I get around to waxing this thing. It's a mammoth undertaking, getting out the Bee's Wax furniture polish, a rag, and getting after polishing the desk's big surfaces. But when I get around to polishing this desk, it usually means that there is some form of work that I'm avoiding. Something needs to be attended to, and rather do the work, I manage to find some spurious task that seems critical. But that task is not critical. Nor, for that matter, is whatever it is that I'm doing nearly as important as the work I'm avoiding. So, during the next few days, and especially right after the weekend (which is supposed to be a good one), you're going to find yourself grabbing a can of polish and worrying about the finish on the your desk. You should be turning your attention to what you're really avoiding at that point.

Gemini: Mars comes gliding into your sign Sunday evening, or so. Sort of depends where you are on the planet, the time zone thing and all that, but the books suggest it happens Sunday. Maybe it's Monday, so who cares? Besides me, I mean. Astrology is about time, and Mars is about activity. Until Mars gets firmly into your sign, you're a little frantic with that sense that something is about to happen. Then, once he's in your sign, you're frantic with the thought that no one around you is moving fast enough to keep you happy. Both situations leave you a little on edge. I once had an editor who suggested, "Cutting down on the coffee really hasn't affected your weirdness quotient." Mr. Mars provides enough stimulation over the next few days. You can cut back on the coffee to help relieve that jittery feeling. It's like trying to find that magic point somewhere between the 12th and 13th cup of coffee, that magic point where everything is better. Might try cutting back on the truckstop elixir to help ease the tense situations.

Cancer: The coming weekend is pretty good, but about the time the cartoons come on the tube on Sunday night, just about the time I should be relaxing after a hard weekend of work, just about the time you should be relaxing as well, there's a little turmoil. This could be something that's been sitting there, just waiting until you were lulled into a false sense of security, or this could be a new something. Now, instead of getting worked up over whatever it is, instead of letting this one get to you, you've read about this ahead of time, so you know that Sunday night or Monday morning holds an unscheduled surprise. Be a little prepared. Since you can't expect the unexpected, just leave a little bit of fidget room in your plans. Or do like I do, "Yes, that's the plan unless something comes up." Or, on one recording I've got of Hank Williams (Senior), "If the good lord's willing and the creek don't rise...."

Leo: Bad weekend, good week. It's mostly Mars, but there are few other extraneous planets to look at, but let's just look at the Martian influence right now. He pushes some things to the surface. If you've ever been on a river right after a heavy spring rain, then you've seen this sort of thing. Branches, man-made trash, oily scum, stuff that looks like soap bubbles, all manner of stuff is washed into the river. Mars is like that, this weekend, one last good rain storm to clean out the gutters. Now, rain around here means that the wildflowers keep blooming, longer than they are supposed to. As Mr. Mars finishes up his dirty work, you just see the scum and trash. Once he shifts gears (shifts signs, literally), you can see the extra bloom on those wildflowers. Rough couple of days, long period of bliss. That's simple enough. Enjoy the view.

Virgo: For the longest time, I had this secret writing gig. I called it "ghost writing" although, a better term might have been "typing for dollars." This ghost job was fun in that I had to write like I was somebody else. Didn't do my ego any good because I couldn't sign my own name to the work. But it paid real money, and as a task, I found it suitably challenging. You have the same thing going on right now -- the funds for the work are there, and it looks like it pays rather well. But you don't get a lot of credit for your work, and that might affect how you feel about the job at hand. If you seriously want my advice, I'd take the work. I don't know about you, but I could sure use the money, myself. Even if you don't get a lot of attention for what you're doing, consider this a challenge that you're up to accepting.

Libra: Life is nothing, if it's not an adventure. And nowhere does this adventure show more than this coming weekend. And no sooner does the weekend get over with, and even if you're like me and don't follow a regular, set schedule, even if you usually don't adhere to the "Monday though Friday" work week, you're going to find Monday morning is time when "work" requires a lot of your attention. Fortunately, you've been planning for this, you got the play time out of the way over the weekend, and you're ready. Hit that work stuff full force because there's an almost immediate gratification that's coming up. I can't promise it for sure, but there looks like you will be receiving some sort of positive acknowledgment, just about any day now. I called "almost immediate gratification" because it might be a little delayed in getting to you, but it's on its way, just about any day now. Look: this arrives just like my one syndication check, last month. It was real late getting to me, and it was the one month I was counting on it to pay this month's rent on the trailer. Yes, it did get here. I'm glad Mr. Landlord is understanding about late checks.

Scorpio: The tension about the taxes should be easing, just about the same time I'm mailing my tax form. I just hope you're not as worried as I am. My accountant [Virgo accountant, perfect return] didn't have good news for me. But just about the same time I'm dropping my tax return in the mail, life in Scorpio land gets much, much easier. Better, even. Getting past the phase of the moon means that there's a quiet kind of peace and tranquility that will pervade your senses. This flooding of relief comes from more than area of the sky. And in it, this is pretty coincidental not to make note of, just along about tax time, there's a sense that life is going to be pretty good in the land of the Scorpions. This is odd, too, but maybe there's something symbolic. Even if you've already filed for an extension, or paid your taxes, or even gotten your refund back and spent it all, there's still something going that will bring relief. Enjoy it -- you guys all deserve a little astrological break right now.

Sagittarius: At the bottom of my web disclaimers, buried in the fine print, there's something about, "These horoscopes do not constitute legal advice -- in such matters you should consult a professional." That means, I'm not an accountant, nor do I plan to be one. So my tax advice is a little circumspect, to begin with. And I've go this feeling right now, the last time I had this feeling, I was sure I was going to be audited. Instead, I got a small -- completely unexpected -- refund. But that didn't stop me from looking over the tax forms one last time. That's why I use an accountant, a real, live person. I'm sure the tax preparer gets some good chuckles out my stuff. How many working astrologers are there who can claim this sort of thing as their sole form of support? As such, I'm sure my return is a little odd. And I've got that feeling again, that there is something coming along like an audit. But the last time this happened, I got money instead of trouble. You can never be too prepared, but expect something good this time.

Capricorn: I called up Bubba the other day. He needed to be harassed. He needed someone to give him a line about this or that. It's sort of joke, he picks up the phone, and one of us starts with ".... so I told the judge, 'she told me she was 18, how was I suppose to know?'" This sort of joking, on the phone, is good way to get you going. Consider the same the same sort of opening lines for conversation. Use some of that good Capricorn dry wit. Brush up on your snappy retorts. Get going with your way of gently rebuking people with your wry comments. Like Bubba, you also need a little bit of good natured ribbing. And when someone -- like myself -- makes a slightly strange overture, don't be upset. It's more likely an opening for you to exercise that humorous side you've got. Don't be afraid to poke a little fun at something that needs a little fun poked at it.

Aquarius: Last time I counted, I had more than a dozen cables and wires snaking their way across my desk to the main computer. There's a printer cable, a back up wire, a network thing, a phone line in case the network thing doesn't work, speakers, mice, scanner, web camera, all that extraneous junk we get to make this stuff work right. Looks like a rat's nest, and none of it seems to be color coded to suit my tastes. I was thinking about rewiring this place, but my trailer is pretty tiny to begin with, and there's not a lot of room to hide all this wiring. So I've learned that my trailer's desktop is not my own, but it's a space reserved for stuff that makes all of this stuff go. Look around your Aquarius space. Feel the same way? It's your space, but it is claimed by other things now? Sure. Instead of trying to reclaim your space, instead of making a stand for something that really doesn't matter that much, try learning how to peacefully co-exist with this sort of snarled mass of cables, wires and other things. Peaceful coexistence is a far better thing than fighting with that gnarly mess. Besides, as soon as you change one wire, nothing works right. Co-exist is the happy word for the week.

Pisces: You and me, we've got this little secret. The trick to successfully negotiating the next couple of days is to sit on our secret. I won't tell, you don't tell, and everything will be great. I had this one guy, I guided him to one of the nicest spots to fish. Great place, tucked in a little bend, in a little canyon, off the lake. The trees come right down to the rocky shoreline, the water's deep, cool, and it's a relatively undiscovered place on a way too populated lake. The deal is, he went home and told just three of his friends, who then told three friends, and now that spot is all fished out. Nothing travels faster than rumors, supposition, and blatant untruths, but for now, let's just try and keep our little secret safe.